Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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