everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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