I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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