i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
So many bounce houses so little time
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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