The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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