nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
