You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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