You're my little dorito
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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