I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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