i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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