I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
