I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
