I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
