all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
