Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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