I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
