Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
