she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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