I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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