apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
me + whiskey = a bad person
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
