I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
