Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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