Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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