i think my mom watched the whole time
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
