Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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