Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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