My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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