He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
