The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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