yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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