She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
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I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
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I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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