I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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