I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
