I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
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I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
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My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize