All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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