Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
