I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
