He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
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This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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