You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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