his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
