Soap is not a condiment
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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