I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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