worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Let's get the cat blown out
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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