The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
