I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
