If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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