i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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