I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
