dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize