I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
