i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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