She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
