someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
