Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
